On Parental Forgiveness in Contemporary Memoir

courtneysmithsc
Nov 27, 2022
10 min read

The genre of memoir has expanded into a wide range of writing styles that showcase diverse and vibrant life narratives. Yet, there is still a common thread between family-based memoirs. These types of narratives tend to focus on family-related trauma and, either directly or indirectly, the influence this had on the author’s life. Relationships with family are often difficult to navigate.

I personally find myself quicker to anger regarding my family. However, I tend to forgive more easily as well.

Throughout this article, I aim to explore the relationship between anger and forgiveness as it applies to parental forgiveness in contemporary memoirs. A framework that I have found helpful is outlined in Martha Nussbaum’s Anger and Forgiveness which establishes a definition for both terms and makes an argument around the validity of their use.

Before diving into my argument, it is important for me to give context on the various texts and terms I will be using throughout this piece. Relevant characters/experiences/actions will be defined below along with a summary of the principal topics from Anger and Forgiveness.

An Index of Context:

Anger and Forgiveness by Martha Nussbaum: This is the theoretical text that frames much of my argument and analysis. Other references to forgiveness and anger and other sources will be directly cited (with a link to the new text, for personal revision*).

Anger

Through Nussbaum’s lens, anger is viewed as a double-edged sword. She acknowledges the value of anger in public discourse and as a valuable aspect of human nature. On the other hand, Nussbaum sees the detrimental effects that anger can have on people and relationships if it is the driving force for action. In short, “[a]nger is taken to be a valuable part of the moral life, essential to human relations” but also “[anger] is a central threat to human interaction” (14).

Transactional Forgiveness (as defined by Charles Griswold)

“1. Acknowledge that she was the responsible agent.

Repudiate her deeds (by acknowledging her wrongness) and herself as their author,
Express regret to the injured at having caused this particular injury to her
Commit to becoming the sort of person who does not inflict injury and show this commitment through deeds as well as words.
Show that she understands, from the injured persons perspective, the damage done by the injury.
Offer a narrative accounting for how she came to do wrong, how that wrongdoing does not express the totality of her person, and how she is becoming worthy of approbation.”

(Anger and Forgiveness, 57)

Unconditional Forgiveness

Unconditional forgiveness, however, stands in opposition to the traditional Transactional model. There is no expectation attached, no barrier-to-entry, no task to be done. Nussbaum’s own definition is “the waiving of angry feelings without expectation”. This type of forgiveness is not often given. The norms associated with Transactional Forgiveness teach people what forgiveness looks like. This turns Transactional Forgiveness into a habit, one that Nussbaum believes should be broken.

The Fact of a Body by Alexandria Marzano-Lesnevich: This book relays two narratives, the first

being Ricky Langley’s, a man who was a serial child sex offender who ultimately murders one of his victims (Jeremy Guillory). Langley spends much of his life in and out of treatment for his pedophiliac urges, constantly asking for help but being denied in-patient treatment. Following his initial death sentence, Jeremy’s mother steps in to testify for Langley and he is ultimately found guilty of second-degree murder which exempts him from the death penalty. The second narrative is told is the authors, Alex Marzano-Lesnevich (they/them). They grew up with 2 siblings, one brother, and one sister. Both parents pursued careers as attorney’s and their family lived close to their grandparents. Their grandparents spent the night and took care of the children for much of their childhoods. During those nights together, Lesnevich’s grandfather would molest both young girls. After years of enduring the abuse, Elize (Lesnevich’s sister) reveals the abuse to their parents. It is immediately discussed between parents and then subsequently ignored. The abuse stops with their father refraining from inviting the grandparents to sleep over. No more discussion ensues.

Educated by Tara Westover: This book catalogs the life of a girl growing up in a hyper-religious, anti-establishment family living in Buck’s Peak, Idaho. This coming-of-age story displays how family dynamics shift over time and highlights a story of abuse from her brother (Shawn) and father and neglect from her mother. As Westover pursues her life outside of Buck’s Peak, there are hard lines drawn between her family and herself. The strict, conservative, anti-establishment, hyper-religious household that she was raised in now contradicts what she is learning is true about the world. This leads Westover to recognize her abuse (in its many forms). As she studies and grows outside of her family structure, violence permeates her time with her family. She ultimately cuts ties with them to save her mental health. Her older brother Tyler offers support since he took a similar educational path.

Punch Me Up to the Gods by Brian Broome: Brian Broome braids together his personal narrative with a standard bus ride home. As a gay black man, Broome struggled with the social expectations of blackness and masculinity. The conflation of these two things came to a head in his relationship with his father who rejected his gayness as a failure to comply with these expectations. His father continually reinforced these gender stereotypes and Broome lashed out during his adult life due to this early repression of his sexuality.

——-

The contemporary memoirs detailed above vary in content and structure but center around familial relationships in fundamental ways. These relationships often have traumatic undertones (after all, those events are what make life writing interesting to an audience) which focus on family-inflected harm. However, these different narratives have similar messages regarding forgiveness:

The author is born. The author is harmed by a parent/authority figure (be that physically, emotionally, or otherwise). The author becomes angry (lasting for a large part of their life). The author desires reconciliation with the abuser. Finally, Author gives forgiveness.

Throughout this article, I look to those relationships and the conclusions of forgiveness through a lens that Nussbaum introduces so well in Anger and Forgiveness. However, rather than applying the framework of analysis to legal or religious relationships, I apply them to contemporary life narratives. I will argue that contemporary memoir exhibits a desire for closure in parental relationships at the expense of the wrongdoer (in this case, the parent), relying on the traditional, Transactional Forgiveness model. Despite this, there are moments where Unconditional Forgiveness peeks through. Both forms of forgiveness work together with standard Judeo-Christian perspectives on what is the expectation between the wrong-doer and the wronged. In arguing this, I will showcase moments within each focus text (The Fact of a Body, Educated, and Punch Me Up to the Gods) that reiterate these ideas.

First, through transactional forgiveness, there is a certain expectation that is established, one that is largely rooted in Judeo-Christian beliefs. Nussbaum notes this.

“God keeps a record of all of our errors, a kind of eternal list … that greets the dead at last judgment. Then if there is enough weeping, imploring, and apologizing – typically involving considerable self-abasement–God may decide to waive the penalty for some or all transgressions and to restore the penitent person to heavenly blessings. The abasement is a precondition of the elevation.” (Nussbaum, 11)

Due to societal conditioning, religious principals are often trained into youth with the assumption that they will keep the tradition alive in their own families. This breeds a relationship between child and parent where the child sees their parent as “God”. After all, they were given their life through their parents.

At the beginning of this research, I found this reoccurring event (the reconciliation or forgiveness) surprising. However, through this perspective, the newly established relationship dynamics are understandable, especially the following abuse.

For example, Nussbaum’s Transactional Forgiveness is seen throughout The Fact of a Body as Marazano-Lesnivich works through the anger they feel towards Ricky Langley, a man who is a convicted child sex offender and murderer. They faced sexual assault as a child at the hands of their grandfather and distancing themselves from the experience in a professional setting was extremely difficult. “I want Ricky to die”, they say after learning what he had done (189). Yet later, Marzano-Lesnevich finds themselves drawn to say “I love you” at their grandfather’s grave (306). The anger directed towards Langley was largely due to their personal experience but as time goes on, there’s a moment where Marzano-Lesnevich yields to Unconditional Forgiveness. Their grandfather is no longer able to debase himself to earn their forgiveness, yet they still offer this olive branch into their memory. This is one place throughout these various texts that unconditional forgiveness appears to be offered.

However, this seemingly unfounded desire becomes more understandable when viewed Jonathon Tran’s perspective, “memory acts as a placeholder for justice so that once justice has been served and history drawn into God’s joy, creation no longer needs to remember and will finally be allowed to forget” (221). Before, there is harboring of anger due to a lack of justice (through their parent’s inaction). However, after their grandfather’s death, the perceived “justice” has been served through his death. They are allowed to forget and, in turn, allowed to forgive since no further harm can be done.

Though Tran notes that forgiveness often comes with the loss of memories, which diminish in clarity over time (Reflecting the common sentiment “to forgive and forget.), the forgetting must come first since it aids in dulling the memory. If enough time or distance comes between the wronged and their experience, there is more room for forgiveness. Nussbaum, however, would argue that the type of forgiveness they are seeking would not change.

The abasement of the child to the parent is often the condition of forgiveness. Traditionally the child is the wrongdoer who is chastised for some lapse in judgment or intentional, childish rebellion. For example, Marzano-Lesnevich’s parents will forgive them if they debase themselves through the silent rejection of their experience of sexual abuse. Tara Westover also takes on this role Educated through the silence surrounding Shawn’s abuse as well as through the denial of her father’s various types of abuse (verbal abuse, child endangerment, slut-shaming, etc.). While Tara and her father’s relationship is not heavily reliant on explicit anger and forgiveness, it is important to note that silence (as is often seen in the Westover household) is a form of abasement.

However, when the child becomes an adult and can make their own decisions, the previously established relationship often crumbles. The child recognizes that they have been apologizing for their own poor treatment at the hands of authority, which often leads to anger and resentment. This anger involves, “(1) Slighting or down-ranking, (2) Of the self or people close to the self, (3) Wrongfully or inappropriately done, (4) Accompanied by pain, (5) Involving a desire for retribution” (Nussbaum, 17). This desire for retribution shifts the relationship, giving rise to a new dichotomy between authority and child.

This relationship is driven by a newfound sense of empowerment. The child begins to raise themselves above the parent, looking at their behavior as wrong, validating their anger. While a power struggle is imminent in standard familial relationships, the usual structure is broken when the parent has committed a “thoughtless, rude, or disrespectful” act (Nussbaum 107). This is the situation for all three of the aforementioned authors. Marzano-Lesnevich, Westover, and Broome were all disrespected by their parents and offered a semblance of forgiveness through their personal forms. This new relationship is founded on an understanding that the parent did wrong, which conflates a new ego for the child/young adult.

Nussbaum paints this transformation in a negative light; however, I disagree. The development of personal ego for these authors was an essential part of developing the agency to write a family memoir. Zachary Snider’s piece, “Mom and Dad will hate me: the ethics of writing about family in memoir-fiction”, acknowledges that writing about family brings about an acceptance of the conflict to come. Dictating these narratives is difficult because of the traumas of the authors’ youth. These stories would not be possible without the inflation of the vulnerable child’s ego at the onset of young adulthood.

Westover found her voice through educational empowerment. But through her years of separation from her family, she still retained anger towards her family based on years of poor treatment. Long after she initially leaves for Brigham Young University, she returns home and is physically abused by Shawn. Her mother and father ignore the treatment again and a bit of ego inflation ensues while she reflects on the abuse. First, she is experiencing abuse and dissociating heavily (as she did when she was a child).

“I hear my voice begging him to let me go, but I don’t sound like myself. I’m listening to the sobs of another girl.” (194)

After, she begins to panic and attempts to rationalize the treatment. Westover did this often with respect to Shawn and her father.

“I begin to reason with myself, to doubt whether I had spoken clearly” (195)

But finally, she recognizes her own anger with her treatment. This raises the value of her voice and changes the dynamic between authority and child/young adult.

“Not knowing for certain but refusing to give way to those who claim certainty, was a privilege I had never allowed myself. My life was narrated for my by others” Their voices were powerful, empathetic, absolute. It had never occurred to me that my voice might be as strong as theirs.” (197)

These relationships however cannot live in harmony. When the authority still believes they have the power to levy forgiveness there will often be a power struggle from the young adult based on the newly realized power. Now there is an expectation of forgiveness between both parties, and in Westover’s case – this leads to a stalemate. Neither party is willing to make amends in the way the other desires.

However, when the authority loses physical dominance the perception of power between authority and child shifts. This is shown in Punch Me Up to the Gods when Broome’s father is on his deathbed. He is expected to have this moment of connection, to apologize for all that he has done, and admit that his affection outweighs the treatment he endured throughout his life. However, Broome is unable to do this. “… I wish you would have tried to be something else. Something more” (233). But more potently, the anger sits in his chest, “Shake it off. Be a man. Be more than a man. Be a Black man” (235). The value of being a Black man has always outweighed the importance of Broome expressing his feelings and being himself, and so he holds this over his father’s head, still waiting for forgiveness.

When looking back at the examples from these memoirs, the thread of anger and forgiveness tie these pieces together in a compelling way. Based on Nussbaum’s theories surrounding the value of anger and forgiveness (as structured by Judeo-Christian tradition), the seemingly unwarranted forgiveness requested makes more sense. The expectation of transaction still sits between these relationships and is exhibited in the narrative in a way that displays the complex relationship between parent and child.

This brings value to the conversation about life narrative because audiences often personalize these stories. Understanding how forgiveness was understood in traumatic relationships can give guidance to people who are experiencing a similar circumstance and allow for a connection between the author and the reader. Throughout my research, I was unable to find works that are directly connected to trauma, forgiveness, and parental relationships. Since these are commonly explored concepts in family memoirs, it is helpful to draw these connections since we all experience anger and forgiveness within our families. The goal of this work is to help us all make sense of how we can heal.